Is it possible to love one person for the rest our human lives? In a recent episode of one of my soon to become favourite shows, Glee, the question was raised if you can have feelings for two people at the same time. It got me wondering about love and marriage and human nature.
Is it human nature to always want what we don't have? For example when you're single, you spend your life trying to find the right one, and long for that feeling of someone actually choosing you for their hand in marriage. Then you spend your time planning the wedding of your dreams and eventually go through life hand in hand as a married couple.
The stresses of life build and eventually you occassionally long for your single and free life back. I think as time goes on and the laundry and dishes start to build, you start to take your spouse for granted. They could tell you they love you every single day, but for some reason that doesn't weigh as heavily on your emotions as when a random person gives you new attention or compliments.
I read a passage in Elizabeth Gilbert's sequel to Eat Pray Love, in her latest book "Committed".
It discusses the perfect blueprint for infidelity. In life, she muses, there are appropriate places for windows and doors. In your marriage there should be windows which are open and transparent to what is going on with the other person. In work for example, there are doors, which close off that information not pertinent to a colleague for example. All of a sudden you meet someone and feel an attraction, and go for a casual lunch but don't mention it to your spouse. You have just put a door where there should be a window and that is the start of a recipe for disaster.
I hear more and more often in our generation talk of the "D" word. A friend's mom once told me that our generation needs to grow the fuck up because we don't want to stick it out the way they used to have to for the sake of their family. Is this true, or do we just have more options and choices? Furthermore, does the internet and technology make it too easy to meet someone, arrange to meet someone or have an online affair? Texting, emailing, tweeting make it far easier to be deceptive than if you were to call someone's home line at dinner time.
I often have a visual in my mind when thinking about breakups or divorce and the entire dating process. It's like we are all playing dating musical chairs and ending one relationship to go into another, show our best selves at first and then carry on in the cycle when it doesn't work out. Aren't people in fact just switching partners and trying to find that right fit? It makes you wonder why at an older age, people refuse to get married again and often want to live separate lives, even while dating.
Would this be easier than trying to transform one person to be everything you need under the same roof? Would casual dating solve the dilemmas of everday arguments and bickering of the married couple? Would chance encounters which awaken your spirit and soul and make you feel alive actually be better for your marriage?
I don't know. I don't have the answers. I don't even have a title to this blog post. I just listen and observe and write about it.
Is there even a definitive answer?
There was a song written, that I used to bop my head to but when I actually listened to the lyrics one day, it made so much sense. It's called "Escape", you know...the Pina Colada song about a wife who puts an ad in the personal column, and her husband answers it and they don't even realize what each other are lacking in their marriage. Take a gander at the lyrics and reflect on your own life.
Maybe it's just time to communicate.
I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:
If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape.
I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.
Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape.
So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, I never knew...
That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape.
If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape.
