What's it all worth?

The things I thought I wanted at 30 years old, I find myself at almost 42, not desiring. Popularity. Success. Money. Status. The in crowd.

I find myself at a crossroads. As the gap in age widens between myself and my very young brides, I have to reevaluate my plans, my goals, my future.

Where I find myself noticing trends, and a brief sense of panic trickles in, I take a step back and ask myself, what does all this mean? When your ego is screaming "protect me", your logic must tell you that whatever you are feeling in this particular moment, will not matter in 5 minutes, 5 months or 5 years. If it will matter, it is worth exploring.

In order to gain "likes" on social media, various strategies are used. Buying them. Bribing them. Or trading random comments on thousands of posts where when you scratch someone else's back, they scratch yours. Do you know what I recently realized in my adulthood? The more comments and followers, the more time spent away from family and friends staring at an already overused screen. The followers are an arbitrary number...but are they friends? Are they offering a paycheque in order for the service you are offering? Is it creating a false sense of importance, popularity or value? What's it all worth?

I was at a bar this past weekend celebrating a good friend's birthday. A couple of random women approached me individually to tell me they love my Instagram account. They have followed my #wordsfromwendy since my Life Wrapped in Lace blog started 11 years ago. Writing transpired into photography and I then discovered the two went hand in hand. Never did I think I would be recognized in a crowd for my truth. Truth that is sometimes criticized by others, so closely guarding their privacy and so desperate for others to think their lives are so perfect. Hashtag #blessed. Hashtag #mylifeisbetterthanyours #onfleek The truth is, we attract those who are likeminded. Bitches attract bitches. Bosses attract bosses. You catch my drift. Find your tribe.

I've been asked to speak to a bunch of budding photographers at a local College. I sit and think about the content I would share...the journey they will embark on, the challenges they will face in the industry, the naysayers, the critics, the victories, the ones who steal your ideas, the successes, the constant learning and constant quest for being creative, different, relevant. Are they willing to eat the shit sandwich? What this means is in Elizabeth Gilbert's "Big Magic", she discusses how every career has their share of downfalls. If you love something enough, and are willing to put in the overtime hours as a lawyer, the summer planning as a teacher and in my case, the rejection as an artist and the years of evolution and learning, and take the shit with the passion, then it's your destiny. Not willing to eat the shit sandwich? You won't last long.

As I sit and reflect back on the past decade of life and career, I realize that it's completely okay to not follow the crowd. To find your own definition of success. To change your M.O. from ten years ago or hell, even to change your mantra from yesterday. To carve out your own niche. To do your own thing. To break the rules. We are constantly growing and learning.

It's funny how when, I once craved approval and belonging, at middle age you simply just find your own way. Do your own thing. Sure, your childhood fears still creep in from time to time and scream at you. But you need to deafen those doubts. Feelings aren't real. They are a trick to the mind. And finally, a few quotes from the amazing Elizabeth Gilbert and my new favourite read Big Magic.

“Recognizing that people's reactions don't belong to you is the only sane way to create. If people enjoy what you've created, terrific. If people ignore what you've created, too bad. If people misunderstand what you've created, don't sweat it. And what if people absolutely hate what you've created? What if people attack you with savage vitriol, and insult your intelligence, and malign your motives, and drag your good name through the mud? Just smile sweetly and suggest - as politely as you possibly can - that they go make their own fucking art. Then stubbornly continue making yours.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

“She said: “We all spend our twenties and thirties trying so hard to be perfect, because we’re so worried about what people will think of us. Then we get into our forties and fifties, and we finally start to be free, because we decide that we don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of us. But you won’t be completely free until you reach your sixties and seventies, when you finally realize this liberating truth—nobody was ever thinking about you, anyhow.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

I think I just wrote my notes for my speaking engagement that I told myself I could not and would not do. And maybe a few slides from the book I've been working on. Funny, this life shit.

Hilarious at times.

Love, Wendy