I'm not who you think I am.....anymore.

I’m not who you think I am. As a matter of fact, I am at a pivotal time in my life where I’m trying to figure out exactly who that person is. When once I had it all figured out, I find myself in an identity crisis, asking myself what exactly defines me now that I am no longer a wife? A photographer? Even that crutch, which once offered me security and self worth, has become a quicky evolving field to which, at times, I find myself wondering if I even have anything in common with my 20 year old brides anymore? Am I still relevant? If I don’t book 40 weddings per year, and make a crazy amount of cash, does that make my self stock plummet?

Sometimes, when you’re on a quest to figure out who you are, you find yourself, through the process of discovering who you are NOT that in actuality you may be closer to self discovery than you may think.

Do things that scare you, they say. Outside of your comfort zone. Well, I did that. I moved to Toronto at a young age by myself. I left a marriage I wasn’t satisfied with, with not a clue how I was going to move forward. I quit my day job to start my own company. All of those things lasted a decade, each. Toronto. Entrepreneurship. Marriage. But alas, do we have to continue to do things that scare us, when at the age of 40, we know ourselves better than we ever have? Must we lie to ourselves in order to live an “epic” life that others will respectfully nod to?

When I flew to Bali with not a clue of the 30 + hours of travel nor the culture shock, and an introvert spending 10 days, sunrise to sunset with a group of strangers, talking about our feelings, I literally cried the first day I got there. I couldn’t have felt further from home. When I look back on the trip, I am proud of myself for surviving and blending in. By the end, I just wanted the comfort of home. Of quiet. Of familiar. I’ve never been one to travel alone…in actual fact I’ve never done it and oddly enough, the person who wants to spend so much time in solitude, has no desire to hop on trains, planes and automobiles and navigate the world solo.

When presented with an opportunity to shoot in Europe, my first instinct was how fabulous that would look on my portfolio. When reality set in and sheer panic of how I would really feel in a foreign country alone sunk in, I knew what my decision was. I must be crazy right? Not the bad ass boss babe I’ve made myself out to be, who by the way, shits her pants (not literally), in fear before every single wedding. Still.

I was asked to speak several times at a local college to a bunch of photography students. Next to travelling alone, I think public speaking has got to be one of my worst nightmares. I must do it, I thought to myself. I must give back. It’s easier to hide than seek. But then I asked myself, why? Why must I do something that causes me so much stress? Haven’t we spent our entire lives doing things we are told we have to do? Isn’t there a point of freedom where we, as self aware and independent adults can do what feels right in our gut and soul? Even if it means, losing our "edge"? There is freedom in living an authentically honest life. Trust me on this. It's like a weight that is lifted when you stop adorning a mask. A facade. And own who you are. All of it.

It’s an interesting time, this time after divorce and in a new relationship. In transition of business and pleasure and the distinction of what actually serves me and what most certainly, does not. I’m still not sure of where I’m going or what this next chapter brings, but there is comfort in admitting that I am not the same person I once was, I will never be the person I sometimes want to be and that I need to be okay with exactly where I am. Even if that conclusion has me less cool than the version of myself I’ve presented up to now. Choosing Disney with the kids as opposed to amazing Barcelona is a choice I never ever thought I would even consider, never mind think twice about. But alas, I guess that’s part of the process. Living an authentic life and choosing what you KNOW will satisfy your soul…as opposed to the persona you’ve put out to the world. Even if it means wearing less than cool mouse ears while doing it. I hope you still love me, just the way I am.

Love, Wendy

What's it all worth?

The things I thought I wanted at 30 years old, I find myself at almost 42, not desiring. Popularity. Success. Money. Status. The in crowd.

I find myself at a crossroads. As the gap in age widens between myself and my very young brides, I have to reevaluate my plans, my goals, my future.

Where I find myself noticing trends, and a brief sense of panic trickles in, I take a step back and ask myself, what does all this mean? When your ego is screaming "protect me", your logic must tell you that whatever you are feeling in this particular moment, will not matter in 5 minutes, 5 months or 5 years. If it will matter, it is worth exploring.

In order to gain "likes" on social media, various strategies are used. Buying them. Bribing them. Or trading random comments on thousands of posts where when you scratch someone else's back, they scratch yours. Do you know what I recently realized in my adulthood? The more comments and followers, the more time spent away from family and friends staring at an already overused screen. The followers are an arbitrary number...but are they friends? Are they offering a paycheque in order for the service you are offering? Is it creating a false sense of importance, popularity or value? What's it all worth?

I was at a bar this past weekend celebrating a good friend's birthday. A couple of random women approached me individually to tell me they love my Instagram account. They have followed my #wordsfromwendy since my Life Wrapped in Lace blog started 11 years ago. Writing transpired into photography and I then discovered the two went hand in hand. Never did I think I would be recognized in a crowd for my truth. Truth that is sometimes criticized by others, so closely guarding their privacy and so desperate for others to think their lives are so perfect. Hashtag #blessed. Hashtag #mylifeisbetterthanyours #onfleek The truth is, we attract those who are likeminded. Bitches attract bitches. Bosses attract bosses. You catch my drift. Find your tribe.

I've been asked to speak to a bunch of budding photographers at a local College. I sit and think about the content I would share...the journey they will embark on, the challenges they will face in the industry, the naysayers, the critics, the victories, the ones who steal your ideas, the successes, the constant learning and constant quest for being creative, different, relevant. Are they willing to eat the shit sandwich? What this means is in Elizabeth Gilbert's "Big Magic", she discusses how every career has their share of downfalls. If you love something enough, and are willing to put in the overtime hours as a lawyer, the summer planning as a teacher and in my case, the rejection as an artist and the years of evolution and learning, and take the shit with the passion, then it's your destiny. Not willing to eat the shit sandwich? You won't last long.

As I sit and reflect back on the past decade of life and career, I realize that it's completely okay to not follow the crowd. To find your own definition of success. To change your M.O. from ten years ago or hell, even to change your mantra from yesterday. To carve out your own niche. To do your own thing. To break the rules. We are constantly growing and learning.

It's funny how when, I once craved approval and belonging, at middle age you simply just find your own way. Do your own thing. Sure, your childhood fears still creep in from time to time and scream at you. But you need to deafen those doubts. Feelings aren't real. They are a trick to the mind. And finally, a few quotes from the amazing Elizabeth Gilbert and my new favourite read Big Magic.

“Recognizing that people's reactions don't belong to you is the only sane way to create. If people enjoy what you've created, terrific. If people ignore what you've created, too bad. If people misunderstand what you've created, don't sweat it. And what if people absolutely hate what you've created? What if people attack you with savage vitriol, and insult your intelligence, and malign your motives, and drag your good name through the mud? Just smile sweetly and suggest - as politely as you possibly can - that they go make their own fucking art. Then stubbornly continue making yours.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

“She said: “We all spend our twenties and thirties trying so hard to be perfect, because we’re so worried about what people will think of us. Then we get into our forties and fifties, and we finally start to be free, because we decide that we don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of us. But you won’t be completely free until you reach your sixties and seventies, when you finally realize this liberating truth—nobody was ever thinking about you, anyhow.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

I think I just wrote my notes for my speaking engagement that I told myself I could not and would not do. And maybe a few slides from the book I've been working on. Funny, this life shit.

Hilarious at times.

Love, Wendy