I’m not who
you think I am. As a matter of fact, I am at a pivotal time in my life where I’m
trying to figure out exactly who that person is. When once I had it all figured
out, I find myself in an identity crisis, asking myself what exactly defines me
now that I am no longer a wife? A photographer? Even that crutch, which once
offered me security and self worth, has become a quicky evolving field to
which, at times, I find myself wondering if I even have anything in common with
my 20 year old brides anymore? Am I still relevant? If I don’t book 40 weddings
per year, and make a crazy amount of cash, does that make my self stock
plummet?
Sometimes,
when you’re on a quest to figure out who you are, you find yourself, through
the process of discovering who you are NOT that in actuality you may be closer
to self discovery than you may think.
Do things
that scare you, they say. Outside of your comfort zone. Well, I did that. I
moved to Toronto at a young age by myself. I left a marriage I wasn’t satisfied
with, with not a clue how I was going to move forward. I quit my day job to
start my own company. All of those things lasted a decade, each. Toronto.
Entrepreneurship. Marriage. But alas, do we have to continue to do things that
scare us, when at the age of 40, we know ourselves better than we ever have?
Must we lie to ourselves in order to live an “epic” life that others will
respectfully nod to?
When I flew
to Bali with not a clue of the 30 + hours of travel nor the culture shock, and
an introvert spending 10 days, sunrise to sunset with a group of strangers,
talking about our feelings, I literally cried the first day I got there. I
couldn’t have felt further from home. When I look back on the trip, I am proud
of myself for surviving and blending in. By the end, I just wanted the comfort
of home. Of quiet. Of familiar. I’ve never been one to travel alone…in actual
fact I’ve never done it and oddly enough, the person who wants to spend so much
time in solitude, has no desire to hop on trains, planes and automobiles and
navigate the world solo.
When
presented with an opportunity to shoot in Europe, my first instinct was how
fabulous that would look on my portfolio. When reality set in and sheer panic
of how I would really feel in a foreign country alone sunk in, I knew what my
decision was. I must be crazy right? Not the bad ass boss babe I’ve made myself
out to be, who by the way, shits her pants (not literally), in fear before
every single wedding. Still.
I was asked
to speak several times at a local college to a bunch of photography students.
Next to travelling alone, I think public speaking has got to be one of my worst
nightmares. I must do it, I thought to myself. I must give back. It’s easier to
hide than seek. But then I asked myself, why? Why must I do something that
causes me so much stress? Haven’t we spent our entire lives doing things we are
told we have to do? Isn’t there a point of freedom where we, as self aware and
independent adults can do what feels right in our gut and soul? Even if it means, losing our "edge"? There is freedom in living an authentically honest life. Trust me on this. It's like a weight that is lifted when you stop adorning a mask. A facade. And own who you are. All of it.
It’s an
interesting time, this time after divorce and in a new relationship. In
transition of business and pleasure and the distinction of what actually serves
me and what most certainly, does not. I’m still not sure of where I’m going or
what this next chapter brings, but there is comfort in admitting that I am not
the same person I once was, I will never be the person I sometimes want to be
and that I need to be okay with exactly where I am. Even if that conclusion has
me less cool than the version of myself I’ve presented up to now. Choosing
Disney with the kids as opposed to amazing Barcelona is a choice I never ever
thought I would even consider, never mind think twice about. But alas, I guess
that’s part of the process. Living an authentic life and choosing what you KNOW
will satisfy your soul…as opposed to the persona you’ve put out to the world.
Even if it means wearing less than cool mouse ears while doing it. I hope you still love me, just the way I am.
Love, Wendy
