I remember looking at the rental units available and having a total meltdown at what was out there. The uncertainty of it all...would I be able to afford it all on my own? Would I ever find something that I loved as much as my home? Would I be stuck in a basement apartment with noise above me? Would they allow animals? Would there be enough space? A backyard option so I didn't feel stuck in a concrete jungle? I felt like I was going backwards, sideways and every other direction but forward. Here I was at 40, starting all over again. Experiencing the electronic dating pool of damaged 40 something year olds who all had their own baggage, dependents and scars.
I went to Jamaica for a week with my best friend whom I had lost touch with for over a decade. We had never travelled together even at the height of our solid friendship, nevermind during the rebuild of trust and time lost. We got robbed while down there shooting a wedding, and I was distracted with the sale of our house and all that was happening thousands of miles back home, all beyond my control.
When the unit came up on the water in Stoney Creek, I drove down on the coldest, snowiest blustery day with cash in hand. Recalling what my mom said: "You're like a dog with a bone when you want something." I knew I wanted to live on the water...the calm of water has always soothed this mermaid's soul and I suspected it would take some of the deep sting out of my failed marriage, sold home and uprooted life. It was much more than I thought I could afford, and definitely not a wise investment. But alas, I knew it was the "one" when I walked in. Some people call renting a waste of money...I prefer to see it as trading my money for a place to live that makes me feel safe and at peace. How could that possibly be viewed as a waste?
Finding a man I was serious about was the last thing on my radar. I had dated a few since the separation with my husband and nothing seemed to work out, although I must say that the order in which I met these people was surely no accident. One made me laugh again. Another had kids but was not yet divorced. Another separated but still living under the same roof with the ex.This was a whole new world that I wasn't exposed to in my 20's. But I do believe that the sequence in which I met these people prepared me for the man that I met in April, fully divorced, dealt with the emotions that come with that, 2 kids part time. It seemed that the other scenarios were serendipitous in the sense that I had to experience them to ease me into a blended family.
I've been known to make impulsive decisions and that was the case with the Bali trip. I had just got broken up with at the airport, the night I flew back in from Jamaica and was trying to understand it all when a friend mentioned there was one more spot left for a Bali yoga retreat. I literally transferred over the funds, with not a clue in the world of how far on the other side of this planet Bali was located. I had proceeds from the sale of our home and wasn't planning on blowing it, but somehow after all the change that had taken place, my heart shouted that I must visit the very place written about and visited by one of my favourite authors during her marital demise.
Bali was life changing for so many reasons, but that's a different blog for a different day. I don't even believe I've processed all the beauty and serene moments that trip had to offer. I just know that I was very far away from any comfort that I'd built for myself. I wasn't a yogi, a vegan or world traveller who could easily adapt to the missing luxuries from home. I couldn't get in my car and flee in discomfort when the agenda called for the entire group to spend morning, noon, and night together reflecting, sharing and quite frankly, not having any of my so desperately needed alone time. But the true test of a survivor is to adapt or die. Some of the group went to Bali to get over past relationships or demons. I believe I did that in my hometown, albeit with the help of some very strong alcoholic beverages on some occasions. But I did find a way to honour my internal self, what I needed, to say no when everyone else said yes and to not feel bad about it. If it took going to the other side of the world with strangers to get to that point, it was worth it. The beaches and temples and countryside and rice fields also made a postcard backdrop to the self awareness discovered...and of course, I had my camera to document it all.
I arrived home and dove right into the relationship I had met two weeks prior to leaving for Bali. I had warned him that I was about to embark on my busy season of my photography career...he thought he understood, but later would admit that he never truly comprehended what time constraints on our relationship that meant. I mean, most people who run a business have a team. I am the only one who can do the communication, shooting, editing, accounting, technical issues, training, marketing, putting out fires and planning. It's just me. Who else is going to do it? We ebbed and flowed through the nuances of dating...personality differences, past tendencies, commuting from different cities, shift work, and then we booked a week long trip to Aruba. Once we realized we enjoyed the week together, we jointly decided that we were going to give this thing a full shot.
We met each other's parents, his children, friends and I took on the very careful and delicate dance of "dad's girlfriend/step parent". A fine line between ensuring that the kids feel comfortable and like me, as well as not letting them defiantly try to test my kindness and role. It's such a critical and cautious time in their lives because I know, as I grew up in a blended family, that the second they know they can pit us against each other, or smell the fear, I'm doomed.
We were three months sick with bronchitis, literally knocked down for the count in my busiest season I've had in 8 years. Weddings, shoots, editing and 127 mini sessions that I somehow pulled off. Trying to stay relevant in a young person's world, where everyone is a photographer and people looking for quantity, not quality. His shift work, lack of sleep, constantly packing a bag, commuting back and forth, and BAM, somehow it was Thanksgiving, Christmas and coordinating the logistics between ex wife, her family, new boyfriend, his family, my side, his huge Italian family, event after event and I digress, I just am emotionally spent. Last night with tear soaked eyes I looked him in the eyes...and he said so matter-of-factly after listing all the things that had gone on this year..."You don't think this will get easier? You're fucking right it will." I hope he's right.
An introvert living in an extrovert's world...somehow I've managed to juggle it all and try to make everyone happy, but it never seems "good enough." If I show up for 3 hours, it's like why didn't you stay all night. I wish people would understand...the 3 hours to me is a lot as it is...it's not that I don't want to be there, and in most cases I love to...it's just event after event after event with no time in between is like someone putting a bag over my head and suffocating me. I literally feel I can't breathe.
If Christmas were like Tapas, we could dabble a bit, have a bit of a break, on to the next event or group of people, have a bit of a breather, get up, walk around, get some air, sample some different personalities in doses, and if you don't like it, move on to the next thing on the menu.
But alas, here we are, the day after the busiest holiday...after all the beautiful photos posted, gifts opened, family issues avoided or in some cases full eruption, ending off the year in reflection...in most cases, full hearts, bellies, empty bank accounts and wondering where in the hell the time went and how it all happened so fast.
I myself am not one to make new years resolutions...I tend to want to break commitments the second I agree to it. But I do know that I'm going to work smarter not harder, take time to read again, to say no when it feels impossible, despite the guilt...and to also say yes, even when I want to say no, to the things that are important. Sometimes we have to do the things we don't want to do...but sometimes you have to find the balance. If you are giving 10% to everyone instead of 100% to a select few, you're no good to anybody.
Au contraire, with a grateful moment to myself to do the thing that has lacked for a couple of years now, write, I hope you all end off 2017 with lessons learned, excitement for what's to come and a little bit of time for yourself.
As for me, I'll take a few pieces of Bellavitano merlot cheese, a handful of cashews and a glass of vino tinto and enjoy my tapas filled day of solitude. In the quiet. Just how I like it :)
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Love always,
Wendy xo
