Who's the bigger asshole?

We are currently residing in strange times. It's a world where the person who cares less, maintains all the power. Fuck being kind and loving and telling the truth and being honest. No. The trick is to show no mercy, no feelings, and absolutely, under no circumstance, shall any fucks be given.

In a commitment-phobe world where the online options seem endless, we've adopted a callous and disposable way of thinking about relationships. How we treat them, how we choose to honour or (dis)honour an ending, how nothing is ever good enough and how there's always the next best thing. The options are endless, like a smorgasbord of menu items and instead of your tummy being filled at an all you can eat buffet, our egos are never satisfied. The lines between reality and fantasy become blurred and the grass always seems greener on the other side. Except it never is. That rush of blood to the head dopamine that you feel when with the shiny and new partner, friend, thing, wears off quickly after the dark restaurants and romantic dates meld into real life and suddenly, the toilet seat is left up, real personalities are revealed and you're just stuck with someone else's ex, and all their problems and a bunch of shiny shit to fill your house that you don't really want or need.

I had a conversation with someone once very dear to me today about the demise of her relationship and how they both came to realize that the crux of the matter was during the height of their indulgence. A time when they had more money, more properties, better cars, and a flashier lifestyle. This was supposed to be everything they ever wanted.

Interesting thought, isn't it? Be seriously aware of what you wish for.

These are some considerably unsettling times. The word sorry seems to come in strange formats and seems to hold the connotation of shame and weakness. Sorry is rarely said. And in some cases, even if it is, does that make the initial hurt any better? Because someone had little to no regard for your feelings and later realizes or regrets it? Or what if they don't actually utter those words? What if you hear through the grapevine that someone is asking about you? Or your gaze meets theirs, and you can just tell by that old familiar look that there's an unspoken panging?

There's no shame in missing someone. And yet in modern day relationships, if there's a fallout, you don't dare be the first to ever admit such a thing. And if you do, and there's no response on the other end, you'll find a way to retract it. To try to erase it. To win. To have the power. To be the bigger asshole and care the least and to be the non affected human. If that's winning, then fuck it. I'll be the biggest loser.

We've all had fallouts where we've been the asshole, or to have been affected by an asshole. Personally, I can't sleep at night if I feel I've intentionally hurt someone. I just can't. I need to say my piece. Unfortunately, this always hasn't been the case for me. There's been years that have passed with an apology I've never received and it destroys the soul if you wait for it, because sometimes it will never happen. Because there's three sides to every story: yours, theirs and the truth. And then there are the moments that blow your mind, after years of wondering where things went wrong, and you find the answer. And things come full circle. And if it's real, you'll pick back up where you started, treading very very carefully of course and with a new and enlightened mindset.

And sometimes you just have to let it all go. Learn a lesson. Move on. Heal. Grow. Forgive. Or maybe not forgive. Maybe they don't deserve your forgiveness. Sometimes they aren't sorry. They simply don't care and probably never did. They played games with your heart. Let me be clear about this: anyone who plays games with your heart does not love you. Love is not mind games. Or pain. Or drama. Or unkindness. Don't pine for someone like this, but don't wish them harm either. Back away. Know better next time.  Be cautious yes, but always, go forth with a whole lot of heart and soul.

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair. Act accordingly.

Love,

Wendy

Choosing my confessions

I wouldn't say I'm religious, per se. I've always had some belief of a higher power, said my prayers in thanks and gratitude, not just when I'm asking for something and on occasion, gone to church.

Never one for commitment or sticking to routine, I was quite surprised to find a newfound love. A few times a week, I walk into the heated studio, breathe in the warm air and energy of those surrounding me, lay my mat down and bow my head in gratitude. Yoga is my new religion.

I may not be able to control the things that happen, or the constant thoughts that enter my mind, but for one hour a day, even when in that complicated head of mine, ideas and thoughts flit to and fro, I have committed myself to practice. They call it practice because it's exactly that; it is not easy to train your brain to turn everything off, to find your balance in body poses, to remember to focus on your breath and the present moment.  It's an added bonus that it seems everyone who'd been doing yoga for years has a rockin' body and an even better attitude of gratitude.

In stark contrast to when I seemed to be losing my religion last year, by turning to darkness, drinking, partying, solitude, negativity, Yoga seems to encompass all things love and light. The mind and body connection seem to go hand in hand with the books I'm reading, my outlook on life and a higher state of consciousness.

It seems we are living in strange times that condition us to believe that external factors will fulfill a deep longing within for "something more." A material thing. To win. To have affections and attention romantically. To be the best. Most of the time, however, we find ourselves striving toward that which always seems to lie just beyond our reach. We are caught up in doing, rather than being, in yearning rather than awareness. It is difficult for us to picture a state of complete calmness and yet, in the quiet we reach a level of inner peace impossible to attain through outside means.

I won't be one of those ones who preach my newfound God. Or to get caught up in the cute name brand apparel that retails for ridiculous amounts of money to wear and be trendy. But I will say that when I enter that room, with likeminded bodies and souls around me, all sharing their energy and striving for the same purpose, I do feel like home. I feel right, good and at peace. I've practiced pilates and higher thinking for years, but never stuck to it.

I have a girlfriend who has been urging me to try this lifestyle for many years now. I often would chide her for being all hippie-like with her perceived witchery trickery hocus pocus hooplah. I now join her and likeminded friends for Yoga and we don't say a word to each other but are all there for the same purpose. It's not an instant or easy thing, changing your thinking. But when you really try, there is a definite shift. A shift maybe only noticeable to the very trained eye. But nevertheless, a shift. A shift in perspective, in conscious thinking and in being.

It's a good feeling. I would say Namaste, but that feels a little too cliche for a novice like me.

So for now, I'll leave you with, Peace.

On your terms

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you or care for you. Furthermore, you can't force people to feel for you or behave in the way that you do, would or expect.

When you let expectations go and accept people and situations for what they are, you save yourself so much heartache. Don't wish bad on anyone and just because a relationship didn't work out, you can still silently cheer them on in your own head.

Sometimes, things don't work. Shit falls apart. And you have to let it go. It is simply unhealthy, wasted time to have expectations because you will be constantly disappointed. I find myself wondering why people are the way they are. I ask myself why someone would do something cruel or behave in a certain way when I would never think to act like that. This does not mean that I am right or they are wrong; but simply that we are different.

Differences can make or break a relationship. They can compliment each other or tear you apart. If you can't see eye to eye, constantly have fallouts or feel like you're talking to a brick wall, it may be time to walk. It doesn't mean you have to have a blow out fight, retaliate or be nasty. Sometimes two people love each other and yet, sometimes love is not enough to sustain a relationship. And that's okay. Acknowledge the love, the memories, the lessons you have learned, and move on.

Close the chapter, surrender to however you feel, really feel the sting of it if you have to, use that pain to create something, art, writings, a plan, anything. Don't pretend to not care. What's the use in that? The Universe knows when you are lying to yourself. You're not truly over it until you're over it. And then there's no need to pretend anything. Because, you just are. And above all, don't give up.  Just because it didn't work, does not mean that you won't find someone who will get you. Who will compliment your soul. Where things are easy breezy and not always on someone else's terms.

Move forward, yes, heed warning to love cautiously, with the lessons learned in your back pocket and an open mind and heart. And do so on your terms.

Love madly, always with a full heart....even if you once found that same heart bruised or broken.

Find the courage and hope to put the pieces back together again. You've got to find a tribe who loves like you do. Or it's not going to work. Like, ever. Some of us love harder, deeper and genuinely feel more. We all cope differently. Some of us are fragile and it takes us time to heal.

Don't be bitter. Smile because it once was.

Love always,

Wendy xo